Identifying Abuse: How Domestic Violence and Intimate Partner Violence Escalate and What to Do

Oct 22

Written by: Breana Frazier

Understanding Domestic Violence

Domestic violence can affect anyone, regardless of age, gender, or background. It encompasses various forms of abuse, including physical, emotional, financial, and sexual, and can happen within families or between romantic partners. When abuse occurs in intimate relationships, it's referred to as Intimate Partner Violence (IPV). IPV often begins with subtle, seemingly harmless behaviors that gradually escalate, resulting in significant harm and control over the victim. Recognizing these patterns early can be crucial in understanding the risks and finding ways to seek help. Click this article for more detailed information on the types and signs of Domestic Violence.

Domestic violence does not discriminate and both men and women can become victims of domestic violence. Domestic violence starts in a sequence of small actions covered by smiles and makeup. But it snowballs into more abusive behavior that involves physical violence.

Control:

Control is a common feature in IPV, where an abuser manipulates trust to gain power over their partner's life. What starts as concern for your whereabouts can escalate to monitoring who you see, where you go, or how much money you can access. This control may involve taking away your car keys to keep you from leaving or constantly monitoring your phone and social media. In an intimate partner context, these behaviors are used to establish dominance, often disguised as expressions of love or protection.

Trust is a major component of a relationship. However, “trust” should not be used as an excuse for a partner to control who you see and when you see them. Trust should never be used as an excuse for a partner to take your car keys and prevent you from leaving. Nor should trust be used to justify constantly going through your phone, making accusations, or seeing how much money they give you out of fear that you will leave them. Even in small interactions, trust should not be used to constantly and repeatedly calling and texting the victim if they don’t answer their phone the first time.

Jealousy:

Jealousy is a significant warning sign in IPV and is used by abusers to manipulate and control. In intimate partner relationships, abusers often turn small interactions with others into accusations of betrayal. A glance or friendly conversation may be misinterpreted as evidence of infidelity. Over time, this constant surveillance erodes your sense of self and leads you to avoid contact with others to prevent accusations. This tactic further isolates you, strengthening the abuser's control.

Sometimes, jealousy will come up in a relationship, even if it’s subtle. Extreme jealousy often escalates into domestic violence. This is because a jealous abuser will seek to manipulate their victim through simple comments such as “Why are you flirting with him/her?” or “Was there something between you two? You seem to really get along.” These comments can escalate into more dangerous accusations. Over time, domestic violence victims struggle making eye contact with other individuals because of the fear that it may be misconstrued as something else by their abuser.

Alienation:

Like jealousy and control, alienation is another tactic that begins as a gradual process where the abuser isolates the victim from friends, family, and support systems. In IPV, this tactic may start with subtle pressure to cancel social plans or stop attending events. Eventually, it escalates to preventing the victim from attending significant occasions, like family gatherings or celebrations. The goal is to cut off support, making it harder for the victim to leave or seek help. Alienation in IPV reinforces the abuser's control and deepens the victim's dependency, making it harder for them to find help.

Alienation is extremely common in domestic violence cases. Alienation is not sudden. It begins with manipulating the victim into cancelling a dinner with their friends or family. Then it turns into missing smaller events with friends and/or family. Over time, the victim is slowly alienated and taken away from friends and family, missing more important events such as birthdays, holidays, etc. Alienation is very crucial for an abuser because they want to make sure that no one is interfering into their relationship. However, at the same time, this can also be extremely dangerous for a victim as they now don’t have anyone that they can turn to.

Stalking:

Stalking is a manipulation and control tactic that an abuser will use on a victim in order to track the victim’s every movement. In extreme cases, the abuser will place a tracker on the victim’s car and will “coincidently” run into the victim every time they go somewhere.

Domestic Violence or Intimate Partner Violence (IPV)

Domestic violence can be between family, it’s not always with an intimate partner. No matter what their relation is to you, it’s never okay to verbally, financially, sexually, emotionally, or physically abuse someone.

Verbal abuse: verbal abuse can range from name-calling or gaslighting to the abuser making actual threats towards the victims.
Financial abuse: limiting the access to money in your bank account. Manipulating the victim into thinking that they aren’t able to manage their own money. Financial abuse can go as far as the abuser taking the victim’s bank cards with them when they leave the house.
Sexual abuse: if you say “NO” that means no. However, victims of domestic violence or IPV will be manipulated or forced to engage in sexual relations with their abuser. If you are forced to engage in any sexual relations with the abuser, then that is considered rape.
Emotional abuse: emotional abuse occurs when the abuser is constantly putting down the victim’s achievements or telling them that they would never be good enough. The abuser will typically tell the victim that no one will ever love them or instill fear through them by threatening to harm someone or something that they love.
Physical abuse: the first time a victim is physically abused, it is usually followed by “I didn’t mean it” or “I’m so sorry, it will never happen again,” by the abuser. However, once someone physically harms someone once, it becomes easier for them every time after that. Soon, the abuser will go from “I’m sorry” to “Why did you get me angry?” or “It’s your fault that I hit you.”
I want to tell you, that IT IS NEVER YOUR FAULT. Each bruise or injury comes with a coverup story and another added layer of fear. The physical abuse never gets better, it only gets worse.

The Cycle of Intimate Partner Violence
IPV often follows a predictable cycle, which can trap victims in a pattern of abuse. Understanding these stages can help identify IPV:

The Honeymoon Phase: After an episode of abuse, the abuser may apologize, promise change, or be unusually affectionate. This phase is designed to regain control by creating hope for improvement.
Tension-Building: Minor incidents of abuse or controlling behavior cause increasing tension. The victim may feel as though they are "walking on eggshells" to avoid setting off the abuser.
Explosion: The tension peaks, leading to an outburst of severe abuse, whether it’s physical, emotional, or both. This phase is often followed by the honeymoon phase, starting the cycle over again.

What Are My Options?

Report the abuse: it’s ALWAYS important that you report any type of stalking, threatening, and/or physical abuse to your local law enforcement agency. While it’s not always guaranteed that an arrest and/or conviction will occur, it’s crucial to have a paper trail in case the behaviors start to escalate.
Track the abuse: journaling and tracking the dates and times that any threatening/physical/stalking behavior occurs can be very helpful in determining if the behaviors are becoming more frequent and more dangerous or violent over time. Keep every text and email that the abuser sends as well as any voicemails as this can help law enforcement and prosecutors build a case.
Obtain a restraining order: restraining orders can be helpful in sending a message to the abuser to stop. Sometimes a restraining order is effective in getting the abuser to stop their abuse. It is important to know that you may have to renew your restraining order after 1 or 2 years. Please make sure that you are educated on how long your restraining order against your abuser is good for before it has to be renewed.
Never underestimate an abuser: if an abuser threatens physical harm to you or someone you love, ALWAYS take them seriously and take the proper precautions to protect yourself. This may include never going anywhere alone and staying with a friend or family member. Don’t allow the love you had for them or still may have for them, underestimate the harm that they can do.
Do not post in real time: please remember that abusers are good at stalking social media. If you are in the process of leaving a domestic violence or IPV situation or have already left, please be mindful of when you or who you’re with, post to social media. If you are going to post picture(s) to social media, please consider keeping your social media private and only posting the picture(s) once you have left the location where the photo(s) were taken.
Remember how strong you are: domestic violence or IPV can sometimes erode a victim’s confidence, leading them to lose pieces of themselves over time. Remember that you are strong and that you are not alone, even if it feels like it. The hardest part of domestic violence or IPV is admitting that you may be a victim. The second hardest part is reaching out and asking for help. Help is there and please remember that IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT and that YOU ARE WORTH IT.

Additional Resources:

Please note that while it’s typical for women to be a victim of domestic violence or IPV, men and individuals who identify with the LGBTQIA+ community are also silent victims of domestic violence or IPV. No matter who you are, if you believe that you are or someone else you know is a victim of domestic violence or IPV, please seek help. Your life or their life may depend on it. Please view this link for additional information and resources on domestic violence and IPV.

Personal Message:

Sometimes it takes a while to reflect on a situation and realize the extent of it.

Edited by T.N.